The Gremlin Diary

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The Gremlin Diary

by James Clair Lewis

Most people's imaginary childhood friends go away at some point. Mine didn't. These are excepts from The Gremlin's Diary

Do yew rede odder peep's diaries?

Dear Diary,

Tewday me watched a shoggoth monster spit nails. Foist he put a nail in is mouth, an den he trew a full beer can way up in de air, an den he spat dat nail wite trew it!

Den he took two nails, & put 'em in is mouth, an' he trew two beer cans up in de air, and he spat doz nails right trew dem, too!

He did dis wid twee nails, an' four, an' den he dids five, an' six, an' seven, an' eight, an' nine, & ten, & 11, & finallies he spat 12 nails out at twelve beer cans all at onced. AND he spat all doz nails trew each o doz cans o beer!

Dat's when me asked im bout his prob wid abusing alcohol, & he clobbered me. Doz shoggoths sure are mean....

Dear Diary,

Tewday me waz zaminin' de laws a physics. Me decideds tew take one apart tew see how it woiked, & me *tinks* me might of screwed it up a bit. Me had disassembled de Law o Polarity, wen suddenly-like, me acdently swallered a magnetic monopole. Suddenly de hole woild began ta revolve round leddle ole mees. It waz kinda fun fer awhile bean da center o de universe, but den it begans to spin faster & faster, & me gots real dizzy.

So me coughed up de magnetic monopole, an' put de law o Polarity back tagedder agin. Me hopes me did dat rite. Dew one magnet pole go on one end & de odder magnet pole go on de odder? Or do one pole go on de inside, an de odder pole go on de outside, & witch be witch?

/me looks around looking nervous....

Dear Diary,

Tewday me decideds tew organize me alchemist's laboratory. Me gots a cabinet witch me placed ina large frame, an den begans tew fill it up wid stuffs me usez round heyar, so me woods always know whar tew find dem.

In de bottom dwawer o de cabinet, me stuffed in de entire material universe. Den in de dwawer bove dat, me puts in all o de emotions & passions. De tird lebel up in de cabinet hab tew dwawers, so me puts tinking in onde left side, an attitudes in onde wight side.

De fourth lebel up, me reserved fer intuition. De fifth lebel hab tew dwawers, so me puts tings dat contract onde left side, an tings dat expand onde wight side. De sixth lebel up, also hab tew dwawers, so onde left me puts de genral patterns o tings, an onde wight me puts in all de reflections.

Guess whut me put in de top level?

Hey! No peekings!!

Dear Diary,

Today me was practicin' me juggling. Foist me did one Sphere, den tew & twree & four & fibe & six & seben & eight & nine. Me had dees nine Supernal Spheres all up in de air at onced, but den me tried tew juggle de tenth one, Malcuth. Durned if Malcuth just kept, falling back down onde ground, no matters how hard me tried...

~Gremlin begins playing with his yoyo, which really is a Tibetian Prayer Wheel~

Dear Diary,

Tewday me saws a crowd a peeps wearin' masks. Me put on me JCL mask, so dey wouldn't notice dat me actually be a Gremlin, & began tew mingles. After awhiles, me got ta talkin' wid a woman who seamed uncomfortable wearin' her mask. Me asked her why she was wearin' a mask, an' she said she was wearin' a mask, so dat she cood fits in.

Gradually, me got de impression dat evrybooty dere was uncomfortables wearin' dere masks, an' dat dey were only wearin' 'em tew fit in wid all de odder peeps who were wearin' masks, who were only wearin' masks tew fit in wid all de odder peeps who were wearing masks, who were... ...

So me used me Magicks, & me mades all de masks disappear. Peeps looked round at each odder, & wen dey saw dat none of 'em were wearin' masks, dey also noticed dat dey all had more in commons widout 'em. Suddenly a party broke out, & evrybooty was habin' funs.

Me gots real xcited about dis, so me used me Magicks tew make all der clothes disappear, tew. Afters all, Gremlins doan wear no clothes, so why shood peeps? Dis didn't woiks out so well, & sumbooty called de cops, an me had tew hightail it outta dere....

Me guess peeps ain't rededy yet, for de naked truth...

Dear Diary,

Tewday me went tew de Western Paradise o de Pure Land tew visit me best friend, Bud. De trees were festooned wid colorful streamers & tinkling bells, an de streets were paved wid lapis lazuli. Evrybooty dere be happy. Artists paint murals & mandalas on de walls o Pavilions & Temples, an' Bards entertain wid Celestial musics.

Dere are lovely gardens, & groves o fruit twees evrywhare, an' happy bees make certain dat all de blossoms are pollinated. Multi-colored dragonflies flit bout de ponds o pure waters, an' beautiful songbirds add tew de general loveliness wid dere singin'.

Kannon & Daiseishi waved tew me as mees passed by, an' finally me got tada place where Bud was sittin'. Me rubbed his tummy, (he likes dat), an' den me crawled up & went tew sleep in his lap.

Namu Amita Butsu

Dear Diary,

Tewday me visiteded de Woild o Briah, & mees ran intew a contradiction. Me saids me wub sowry, but de contractiction kickeded me in de Shin anbeway. So me used me Magick & turned de contradiction intew a conumdrum, witch me wrapped up in a enigma, & stuffed intew a Klein Bottle. Me hopes it stays in dere, 'cause dem contradictions can git real gnarly...

Dear Diary,

Tewday de most ancient dragon, Yggdrazl, tolds me tew fear nothbing. So mees luuked out intew de Void, an became very afraid... very, very afraid.

~Gremlin begins swinging from a chandeleir, then leaps to the ground & does a cartwheel on the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, and down the other wall~

TA DA! hehehe

Dear Diary,

(Gremlin begins singing)

"Star Light, Star Bright,

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may,

I wish I might,

Have the wish

I wish tonight.

Star, you are so far away,

Somewhere across the Milky Way.

How long did it take your Ray,

To get here on this fine day?

And when you answer me,

Will I still be here for to see?

Star Light, Star Bright,

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may,

I wish I might,

Have the wish

I wish tonight...."

Dear Diary,

Tewday me jist got back frum me time travel trip inta de old wild west, where me got tew practice sum Western Occultism.

Wees were playin' 10 Card Tarot ober at de 3rd Bardo, when mees saws 'em deal a High Priestess off de bottom o de deck.

"Sam Paku", me saids, "Yew bin raisin' de Devil 'round heyar tew much!"

He had 'im levitated 'bout 7 feet off de floor by den, den he went fer his athame, an' me knowed he kept a boline in 'is boot. So me hexed 'im real good wid me Wand, just like in de Tower. An Temperance, she swept his ashes away wid her besom. An' dat's de fact. So mote it be...

Dear Diary,

Tewday me mets a Buddhist hot dog vendor, so me axed him tew make me One wid Ebryting...

Me once tried tew be unhappys, but me failed miserably.... not dat bothered me much, really...

Dear Diary,

Summer be only bout a week away, so me figureds dat if me was gonna do me Spring Cleanin', Me'd better git ta it now. So me got out da DW-40, & cleaned all me springs...

~Gremlin begins playing with his Rubik's Revenge, which actually is a four by four by four by four cube...~

Dear Diary,

Today me got a babysitting job fer sum faeries. While me was babysittin' da kids, me called up a Sylph, who was dancin' around de room, as a little whirlwind, occassionally knocking things over, which made de kids laugh. Den da baby faeries called up a Salamander, who bumped inta da Sylph, an' set off a box a fireworks. Firecrackers started going off, & screamers & big booms, & sparklers were shootin' off everywhere. And den da rockets (de baby faeries really liked da rockets), started zooming all over da room. So me called upon several Undines ta put out da fire, and by da time dey were done, this little nook in da forest was turned into a swamp.

De faeries weren't very happy about dis when dey got back home, & me *thinks* me's out of a job....

Dear Diary,

Me have some questions. Do commuters who have ta travel through de inside of a mountain evryday, develop carpool tunnel syndrome?

Is cottage cheese made from little houses?

Can ya make sense of foolishness?

Dear Diary,

Today me got lost, so me decided me needed to find meself. Me walked up ta a mirror, & sure enough, there me was just standing right over dere. But den me got ta thinkin' about how me could be over dere, if me was looking at meself from right over here. Me figured me could solve da problem by stepping inside de mirror, but now me don't know where da mirror is...

Dear Diary,

Today me finally figured out what normal is. Me was passin' by a Laundrymat & me saw a machine with a setting ta make ya normal. Me put in a quarter & got inta da drier, an' when me got out, me was fluffy dry, and walkin' around an' around in circles, but gettin' nowhere. Me guess me's normal now....

Dear Diary,

De other night me was on reservation land in New Mexico. Me passed by da house of a Shaman of de Native Peoples, but me got a bit too close. Well, actually me was peeking in trou his winda, while he was sleeping. Anyways, me got snared inside his Dream Catcher, & me couldn't get out. Me struggled wid it all night, but de Dream Catcher wouldn't let me go.

Da next morning when de Shaman woke up, me was still dere trapped in his Dream Catcher. He had a lot of questions fer me, and after me apologized, he let me go...

Dear Diary,

When me was a wee litl Gremlin, me Papa Gremlin & me Momma Gremlin warned me about de Sock Monster. Me was bad, an' me conjured de Sock Monster up anyways. De Sock Monster was stronger than me thot, & he got away & got loose inta de real world. Me was afraid & me never tell nobody. So it's all me fault. Me very sorry now.

Dear Diary,

Me was lookin at Rev Ray's slogan, (Seek the Truth Directly), & me got dis ideer. When ya see de Truth, why not turn round & run away as fast as ya can in de opposite direction?

OK. Me gonna try dis first.

~Gremlin looks at the Truth, and then turns around away from the Truth so he can begin running away~

UT OH! De Truth is still in front a me. Guess Me'll have ta turn sum more.

~Again Gremlin turns 180 degrees away from the Truth, and sets to sprint off~

Hmmmm It's still there!! Me'll try dis again!

~And again Gremlin turns another 180 degrees away from the Truth, ready to begin running the moment that the Truth is no longer in front of him~

What is dis? What's goin on? Me said me was gonna NOT face de Truth, and me was gonna run away from it!!!

~Gremlin begins spinning around & around & around & around, and finally falls flat on his face~

umph

~Gremlin opens his eyes & sees that the Truth is underneath him, too, so he rolls over on his back & sees that the Truth is above him as well~

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Dear Diary,

OK. Me figured out dat ya can't run from de Truth, BUT maybe ya can hide from it. So me's gonna try dat.

~Gremlin scales Mount Meru, and gets a vision of the vast Universe~

Well, that don't work. Me'll try sumthin else.

~Gremlin gets aboard his surfboard, and glides out into the middle of the Gobi desert~

ummmmm De Truth is stark & dry out here, an' as ancient as de wind, but it's still de Truth...

~Gremlin canoes up the Amazon river, deep into the Brazilian rain forest~

Well, it's hot & steamy out here, an' look! Dere's a Blue Lotus flower!! Gosh, but it's purdy! And darn!! It's de Truth!!! Me'll hav' ta try sumthin' else...

~Gremlin rollerblades out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean~

Yeah. Me knows what yer thinkin'. But me has a plan!

~Gremlin dives down to the bottom of the ocean~

De Truth will never find me here... HEY! Ain't dat de ruins of ancient Lemuria? Aw Shucks! More Truth!!

~Gremlin spends some time reading the inscriptions carved in stone on the walls of the ancient lost city~

hehehe Bet ya didn't think me could read de Enochian Keys, did ya? Alrighty now! Evry time me went ta a far off lonely place ta hide from de Truth, me ran smack dab right inta it. So me's gonna go tada Big City. De Truth will never find me dere!!

~Gremlin goes to New York City, takes the A Train to Harlem, and begins wandering around. Gremlin sees some kids playing hopscotch on the sidewalk & laughing~

No comment...

~Gremlin sees a homeless guy panhandling on a corner. Most people are ignoring him, but then a man in a sharp business suit hurries along on some important errand. The business man reaches into his leather carry-all bag, pulls out a corned beef on rye, and hands it to the panhandler without a single word, and moves on with a tiny smile on his lips~

Dagnabit!! Dere was more Truth in dat, than me saw on top of Mount Meru!!!!

~Gremlin takes a cab over to mid-town Manhattan, enters a highrise, and goes down into the lowest sub-basement, where he finds a janitor's closet, & locks himself in~

It's dark in here, but just ta make sure me is hidin' from de Truth, me is gonna shut me eyes as tight as can be!

~Sitting in a dark broom closet underneath a highrise building with his eyes shut, the Gremlin succeeds in hiding from all of the Truth around himself~

Well, blow me down an' shiver me timbers! De Truth is within me, too! OK. Ya can't run away from de Truth, an' ya can't hide from de Truth. But me'd never have figured dat out, if me had been seeking de Truth directly...

~Gremlin goes back up to street level, finds a movie theatre, buys a ticket, and watches The Two Towers~

Ya want sum popcorn?

Dear Diary,

Evrybodie knows dat penguins like ta foller each oddur in lines. Well, some new penguins were moved ta a zoo in San Francisco frum sum place in de midwaste. Anyways, dees new penguins started swimming ina circle, & de oddur penguins started follerin dem them, too. Dey would do dis all day & never stop fer hours & hours & hours & hours & hours, day after day after day after day after day.

Now what sum boered otta dere minds penguins be doing ta pass de time in captivity, prolly don't mean nuthin ta most peeps, BUT what wasn't mentioned in de news, was that it IS having an effect on humans, as wll. Dat's right! Peeps are startin ta drive dere cars around & around in circles & follerin each odder wen dey do it.

Natchly, it first showed uppin LA. At 1st it waz dis tiny circle. Peeps goin West onda 60 wud turn North onda 5, and den deyd go East onda 10, & den turn South onda 710, an den back again onda 60. All dees peep follerin each odder goin round & round & round & round all day and all night. A counter-current got stated up, too, wid these cars goin de same route in de opposite direction.

BUT, it got worse. De circle kept expandin as more cars were circlin & follerin each odder. Now de circle runs down de 605, up de 405, and across de 101/134/210, and den back down de 605 again. Some peeps keep doin dis til dey run outta gas, and get stuck on de freeway, but odder peeps get offa de freeway ta get more gas wid dere credit cards. All de peeps dat were follerin dem get offa de freeway, too, and den dey line up at de same gas station ta get more gas wid dere credit cars. De lines can get ta be several miles long wid traffic backed up everywhere. An wen dey get dere gas, dey go right back up onda freeway & start drivin around & around & around in de circle again.

Wen one of dees drivers get tired, sometimes dey drive right over de edge of da freeway, and all de cars behind 'im foller right over on top. Pres Bush has ordered a news black out on dis whole ting, 'cause it's spreadin all across de country in de major cities, makin de gas prices soar. Me knows it all started wid de penguins in San Francisco, but me ain't gonna tell him nuthin, 'cause de drivers most affected by dis follerin & circlin be Fundie Christians...

These animated Moving Mandalas are very large files. Please click on the pic, and wait for it to load. The Contemplation will be very enabling, carrying your Mind beyond the mundane world

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